So there I was awake with Onica at around five in the morning, rocking her in the same chair where I rocked Bradley when he was small, all the while waiting for the alarm to go off, so I can pump and then take a quick bath. Bradley came out of the dark corridor asking if it was morning yet. I made him go back to bed with Carl while he whined about his father snoring too much. At seven in the morning, there I was in the kitchen connected to the pump under my blazer, stirring the oatmeal with one hand and trying to access my marketing presentation on my laptop. That’s because I had to go back to work only weeks after Onica was born since Carl had lost his job in the last layoff process in the company.
Finally, Carl dragged himself into the kitchen with messy hair, asking if the coffee was made yet. After reminding him that he had to brew it since I had been waking up at two, four, and five to feed the baby, he just grunted, kept scrolling on his phone, and instinctively tilted his phone away from me. I figured he was probably watching sports clips, or maybe looking at job listings if I wanted to be hopeful, but it wasn’t even worth fighting about.
It took a real effort on my part to keep things friendly, so I mentioned that Alice, my brother-in-law Steve’s wife, had dropped by yesterday with a casserole. I told him she mentioned I looked exhausted, but in a way that genuinely felt like she cared. Carl barely reacted and didn’t even look up from his phone once. Later, when I hurried past the hallway mirror to grab Bradley’s shoes, I caught a glimpse of myself: a stained hoodie and the same messy ponytail from yesterday. I used to be the woman who wore high heels to Friday dinner parties and even put on lipstick just to take out the trash, but those days felt a lifetime away.
After dropping the kids off at daycare, I dialed into the conference call literally right as it started, repeating my little mental mantra: I helped Carl through unemployment, so now it’s his turn to support me. Isn’t that how marriage is supposed to work?
That night, once both kids were finally asleep, I collapsed onto the couch next to Carl while he watched TV. When I asked how his day went, he mumbled something vague about job hunting, and then, completely out of nowhere, he tells me that once things settle down, I really need to think about hitting the gym because I’ve put on a noticeable amount of weight. To top it off, he actually had the nerve to compare me to Alice, saying she makes staying in shape look effortless.
I just let out a sharp, bitter laugh, crying into a wet pillow felt way too pathetic. My entire day was a blur of nursing a baby, doing endless loads of laundry, working, and running on zero sleep. I hadn’t even managed to use the bathroom in peace for three solid years. When I pointed that out to him, all he could say was, “Just saying.”
That became his standard routine for the next few weeks. I was pumping in car park stalls, microwaving leftovers while holding the baby and answering a million toddler questions, while Carl just sat on the couch scrolling on his phone. Whenever I asked if he’d sent out any applications, he’d snap at me, claiming he was “networking” with people I wouldn’t understand.
Before long, the digs about Alice weren’t just occasional. At breakfast, while I was scrubbing applesauce off Bradley’s face, Carl would start going on about Alice’s dance classes, her toned physique, and the short skirts she wore. I finally snapped and reminded him that I had literally just had a baby, but he took total offense, arguing that it wasn’t an excuse because Alice still found the time to work out. Meanwhile, he refused to lift a finger around the house because he claimed he was just too overwhelmed by stress.
It was getting hard to ignore the signs that something was off. Whenever Steve and Alice came over, Carl took time to shower and even wore that special cologne. Once at lunch, he had to drive Alice home since Steve had some errands to do, but Steve was clueless about the whole idea. Alice brought additional food and held Onica so that I could take a hot meal for once, asking me how I was doing with no hidden motives.
Amid all these mental gymnastics, I decided to do one squat while the oatmeal was cooking in the microwave. I heard a click from my lower back, froze in the middle of my movement just like a frog, and Bradley walked in with that tilted head and asked me if I was hopping. I laughed until I cried, realizing how absurd my life had become.
On that Friday, Carl came bounding home because he had made up his mind to host an absolutely enormous pool party on my property for his fortieth birthday. Although I was exhausted, looking at Carl’s haircut and his phone that was always upside-down, I just surrendered to his request.
My Saturday passed in a haze of hanging lights on the patio, blowing up pool floaties, dressing Bradley, icing cupcakes, and letting Onica sleep while doing so. Once the guests started showing up, Alice picked Onica up so I could finally enjoy a deviled egg. Then, I went upstairs, put on the one remaining swimsuit that still fit me, told myself that I had given birth to two children, and left the house proudly.
On the patio, Carl and Steve were playing in the pool, and Alice was reclining nearby. Approaching them, I heard Carl bursting into laughter to the point where he started crying. Asking him why he laughed so much, he answered without any delay, telling everybody that Alice definitely looked better in a swimsuit than I did.
No one else really found that funny. What’s more, Alice seemed angered by the comment. I just turned my back to Carl and entered the house.
After a second, Alice knocked on the door and told me there was something she needed to tell me. It turned out Carl was sending her random messages, asking her out for coffee, and sending selfies. He even wrote her once that our marriage was over. She never responded to any of them and never told her husband about it because she didn’t want to make big deal out it. She thought if she never responded, he would stop harassing her.
I asked her if it was okay to confront Carl right there and then, and she said yes. So I returned, took the mike, and wished my husband a happy birthday. I then thanked him for the comment about my weight and how he though his brother’s wife was way more attractive than him. The guests thought I was going mad, for sure. Next, I proceeded reading the messages he had been sending to Alice, and needless to say, people were grossed, especially his own brother who could believe what he was hearing.
You probably assume where I am going with this story of my life. Yes, I divorced Carl, because I realized right there and then that he wasn’t worth any of the sacrifice I made for him. He never helped with anything, and I was raising my kids alone anyways, so that divorce didn’t bother me a bit.
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